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TWO bachelors were talking about cooking,"A few years ago I bought a cookbook,"says the first,"But I never had a chance to use it."
"Were the dishes too sophisticated?"asks the second man.
"All the recipes started the same way,"explains the first,"Take a clean plate....."

WALKING through the jungle, a missionary came across a native pounding a drum.
"Why are you doing that?"he asked.
"Because we have no water," replied the native.
"I see.You're praying for rain,"concluded the missionary.
"No,"said the native,"I'm sending for the plumber."

TWO attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks.Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.
The owner become quite concerned and marched over and told them,"You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"
The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.

Q: How do you get a man to stop biting his nail?
A: Make him wear shoes.

ONE sunday a priest played truant so he could enjoy a round of golf, leaving his assistant to conduct the service. He drove to a faraway golf course to avoid bumping into any parishioners.
Looking down, St Peter said to God,"You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"
The Lord shook his head.
The priest took his first shot, and scored a hole in one.St Peter was outraged."I thought you were going to punish him!"he said to the Lord.
The Lord looked at St Peter and replied,"So who's he going to tell?"

WORTHY advice on the back of a lorry belonging to OTIS, the lift manufacturer:
"Never accept a lift from a stranger."

REACHING the end of the job interview, the interviewer asked the young MBA student, fresh out of MIT,"And what starting salary were you loking for?"
The candidate responded confidently,"In the neighbourhood of $100,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The HR person said,"Well, what would you say to a benefits package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years - say a red Corvette?"
The graduate sat up, mouth agape, and said,"Wow! Are you kidding?"
The interviewer responded,"Of course...but you started it!"

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work.The manager greeted with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said,"Your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"But I'm a college graduate,"the young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry.I didn't know that,"said the manager," Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how."

A man who had just died arrived at heaven's gate.Before allowing him entry St Peter questioned him,"Did you love a woman?"
"No,"the man replied,"I never loved a single one."
"Did you have a friend you cared for?"
"No.I never cared for anyone."
"Did a child ever bring out any tenderness in you?"
"Perhaps you loved a pet? Did you not feel a love for nature?"
"What took you so long to get here?"a surprised St Peter asked him. "You've been dead for ages."

RUSSIAN composer Dmitri Shostakovich had broken one leg, then, on returning from his convalescence, the other.His comment:
"Communism says we should look to the future, but I think we need to watch where we're putting our feet!"

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