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A woman walks into a convenience store.She walks straight to the manager and asks,"Do you have any small notebooks?"
"Sorry,"says the manager,"We're all out."
The woman shrugs, and asks,"Well, do you have any mechanical pencils?"
"Nope, don't have that either,"says the manager.
The woman feels her stomach rumbling and asks,"Do you have Doritos?"
The manager shrugs,"Sorry."
"Hmmph. How about Chapstick."
"Nope.Don't have that."
"My God!"the woman shouts,"If you don't have anything, you should close the stinking store!"
The manager shrugs,"Don't have the key."

A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes.He goes up to the guy's window and says,"Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyser tube."
The man says,"Sorry, officer, I can't do that.I am an asthmatic.If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine.I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either.I am a hemophiliac.If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then, we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either.I am also a diabetic.If I do that, I'll get really low blood suger."
"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."

HAVE you heard of the general who was well known for telling tall tales? Whenever he was telling one of his stories, the general was also in the habit of asking his assistant,"Isn't that true, Lieutenant?"The lieutenant would always answer,"Yes, General."
Finally, the lieutenant grew tired of the tall tales.One day, the general was telling his comrades-at-arms that he went hunting in the wilderness and killed 100 pigeons with a single shot.
"Isn't that true, Lieutenant?"
To which the lieutenant answered,"Yes, General, 100 pigeons and one parrot."
"What! I didn't see the parrot."
"Well,"the lieutenant replied,"I didn't see the hundred pigeons, either."

THERE was a job opening in the country's most prestigious law firm and it finally comes down to Robart and Paul.Both graduated from law school. Both come from good families.Both are equally attractive and well-spoken.It's up to the senior partner to choose one, so he takes each aside and asks,"Why did you become a lawyer?"
In seconds, he chooses Paul.
Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside."I don't understand why I was rejected.When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I become a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, thet I'd lay down my life for constitution and that all I wanted to do right by my clients.What in the word you tell him?"
"I said I become a lawyer because of my hands,"Paul replies.
"Your hands? What do you mean?"
"Well, I took a look one day and there wasn't any money in either of them!"

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing.She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools" together, she made for the nearest frozen lake.After positioning her comfy stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.Suddenly - from the sky - a voice boomed,"There are no fish under the ice."
Starled the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of cappuccino and began to another.Again from the heavens, the voice bellowed,"There are no fish under the ice."
The blonde, now quite worried, moved down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole.The voice came once more,"There are no fish under the ice."
She stopped, looked skyward and said,"Is that you Lord?"
The voice replied,"No... this is the Ice - Rink Manager..."

H.O.L.L.A.N.D. - Hope Our Love Lasts And Never Dies.
I.T.A.L.Y. - I Trust And Love You.
L.I.B.Y.A. - Love Is Beautiful; You Also.
F.R.A.N.C.E. - Friendships Remain And Never Can End.
C.H.I.N.A. - Come Here.. I Need Affection.
B.U.R.M.A. - Between Us, Remember Me Always.
N.E.P.A.L. - Never Ever Part As Lovers.
I.N.D.I.A. - I Nearly Died In Adoration.
K.E.N.Y.A. - Keep Everything Nice, Yet Arousing.
C.A.N.A.D.A. - Cute And Naughty Action that Developed into Attraction
K.O.R.E.A. - Keep Optimistic Regardless of Every Adversity.
E.G.Y.P.T. - Everything's Great, You Pretty Thing!
P.E.R.U. - Phorget Everyone... Remember Us.

CONVERSATION between two eagles flying high in the sky when they see a jet aircraft speeding by:
First eagle,"Wow! Just look at that bird fly."
Second eagle,"So would you if your tail was on fire!"

ARTIST,"So what's your opinion of my painting?"
Critic,"It's worthless."
Artist,"I know, but I'd like to hear it anyway."

ENTERING a pub with a snake, a man orders two beers.The man drinks his beer, but the snake struggles with his glass and eventually smashes it on the floor.The man orders two more beers and the same thing happens.
"I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to ask you to leave," said the barman to the snake.
"I'm so sorry,"apologized the man."But he just can't hold his drink."

HE was 112 years old, but the Red Indian had a surprisingly good memory.So every year hundreds of people gathered to ask him questions. Once a man asked him,"What did you have for breakfast on the morning of March 12, 1921?"
The Red Indian bent his head, thought and answered,"Eggs!"
The man believed the answer, as each person was only allowed one question.Forty years later the man meets the old Indian again and, impressed that he is still alive, he asks,"But, how?"
The Indian bends his head, thinks and answers,"Fried!"

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