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HUSBAND & WIFE


ONE woman told another,"My neighbour is always speaking ill of her husband.But look at me.My husband is Foolish, Lazy and a Coward ; but have I ever said anything bad about him?"



THE bride was crying.
"What's the matter?"asked her friend.
"Well,"she replied,"I didn't know until after the wedding that he had been married before and have five kids."
"That must have come as a shock to you."
"Yes, and my four children weren't happy either."



A big game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law.One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the wife awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her.
In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight.His mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a huge male lion stood facing her.
The wife said,"What are we going to do?"
"Nothing,"said the hunter,"The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."



FOR their first anniversary, a man buys his young wife a cell phone.She is thrilled and listens eagerly as he explains all its features.The next day she is out shopping when the phone rings.
"Hi, darling,"her husband says,"How do you like your new phone?"
"Oh, I just love it!"she gushes,"It's cute and small - and your voice sounds so clear. But there's just one thing I don't understand."
"What's that?"
"How did you know I was at the shopping mall?"



GUY on phone to girlfriend : "How can you say I don't care? My records show I had a Valentine faxed to your home number."



I know we missed the plane,"a woman tells her husband at airport,"But it was just a matter of seconds, dear.And if you had not kept hurrying me all the time, we would have arrived later and would not have to wait so long for next flight!"



THERE are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman :-
before marriage and after marriage.



A couple had been married for 25 years and were celebrating their 60th birthdays, which fell on the same day. During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple for all 25 years, she would give them one wish each.
The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her hand, and Boom! She had the tickets in her hand.
Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me."
The fairy picked up her wand, and Boom! He was ninety.



A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the older gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then the old man poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap. The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.
The old gentleman said, "Oh, no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."
The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "Not yet. It's his turn with the teeth.


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