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THERE was a political leader who was on the verge of being defeated in the elections.When he received a phone call saying that his wife had delivered triplets, he exclaimed,"Oh! No! I demand a recounting."



A discreet and happily married lawyer was leaving his office when he saw a note on his car's windshield: "My name is Joana Silva,765-4321. Call me to make a date for us to have a talk."
The lawyer tore up the note and went home, pleased that he'd resisted temptation. The next day he saw that the right side of his car was badly scartched.



GRANDPA was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.
"Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success,"he cackled,"I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."
The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime.
"Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago.On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge.Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk."



HOW is playing the bagpipes like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
You don't have to be good to get everyone's attention.



CLARENCE lived across the river from his neighbour, John, and the two feuded constantly.They never missed a chance to throw rocks and yell insults over the water.One day army engineers came to build a bridge.John was elated and told his wife he was finally going to get his hands on Clarence.When the bridge was completed, John headed off, but returned a few minutes later.
"I never realized how big that guy is,"John said sheepishly to his wife."I headed for the bridge, then saw the sign: 'Clarence - 8 feet, 4 inches.'"



JESUS, Moses and an old bearded guy were playing golf.On the first tee, Moses whacked his ball into a lake.He parted water and hit his ball onto green.
Jesus teed off, hitting his ball into another water hazard.But he walked on water and stroked his ball just short of the cup.
Then the old man with the beard stepped up for his tee shot.He hit the ball with tremendous force, but hooked it badly.The ball bounced off the clubhouse roof, hit the cart path and rolled down a hill into a pond, coming to rest on a lily pad.
A frog hopped over and picked up the ball, then an eagle swooped down, snatched the frog and flew over the green.The frog dropped the ball and it rolled into the cup for a hole in one.
Moses turned to Jesus and said,"I hate playing golf with your dad."



AT the airport Sylvia was anxiously waiting for her daughter's plane.After graduating from college, Ashley had been gone a year, adventuring in faraway places.Sylvia's heart raced when she saw her lovely child step out of the aircraft.
Then she noticed a tall man directly behind Ashley, dressed in feathers and beads, with exotic marking all over his body. Ashley greeted her mother and introduced the man as her husband.
Sylvia felt faint.She screamed, "I said you should marry a rich doctor! A rich Doctor!"



THE manager of a megastore came to check on his new salesman."How many costomers did you serve today?"the manager asked.
"One,"replied the new guy.
"Only one?"said the boss."How much was the sale?"
The salesman answered,"$66,666."
Flabbergasted, the manager asked him to explain."First I sold the man a fishhook," the salesman said,"Then I sold him a rod and a reel.Then I asked him where he was planning to fish, and he said down the coast.So I suggested he'd need a boat. He bought that six-metre motor boat.When he said his car might not be able to pull it, I took him to the auto department and sold him a big vehicle."
The amazed boss asked, "You sold all that a guy who came in for a fishhook?"
"No,"the new salesman replied,"He actually came in for a bottle of aspirin for his wife's migraine.I told him, 'Your weekend's shot.You should probably go fishing.'"



CLANCY went into a pub and ordered a beer.He drank half, then threw the rest at the bartender.Clancy apologized, explaining it was a compulsion he'd for years that embarrassed him terribly.The barkeeper told him to see a psychiatrist and warned him not to come back until he had done so.
A few months later, Clancy again entered the bar and ordered a brew.He drank half and threw the rest all over the bartender.
"I told you not to come back here until you'd seen a shrink about your compulsion!"the bartender yelled.
"I have been seeing one."replied Clancy indignantly.
"Well, it hasn't done any good."roared the dripping bartender.
"Yes, it has,"said Clancy,"I'm not embarrassed about it anymore."



TWO widows are curious about new resident : a quiet, nice-looking gentleman. One of the woman says to the other,"Go find out a little about him. He looks so unhappy."Later the woman walks up to the newcomer at the pool and asks why he looks so ssad.
"I just spent 20 years in prison."the man replies.
"What for?" asks the woman.
"For strangling my third wife."
"Oh, dear,"she says,"What happened to your second wife?"
"I shot her."
"And your first?"
"We had a fight and she fell off a ten - story building."
The woman then looks over to her friend and calls out,"Ya - hoo! I've got good news. He's single."


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