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HUSBAND & WIFE


ONE day a wife asked her husband why he kept a picture of her in his wallet.
"Whenever I have a problem, no matter how big, I look at your picture and feel much better,"he said.
"I have that much power over you?" the wife asked, excited.
"Yes,"he said,"When I look at your picture, I tell myself that my other problems are not nearly as big as this one."



A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife:
"Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden.When is the best time to plant them?"
The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter:
"Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden.That is where I hid all the money."
A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife:
"Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden."
The prisoner wrote another letter back:
"Dear Wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."



DAVE and Sue were listening to the weather report at breakfast.The announcer said,"There will be seven to twelve centimeters of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared.You must park your cars on the odd-numbered side of the street."Dave got up from the breakfast table and went out to move their car.
Two days later they heard another radio report,"There will be five to ten centimeters of snow today.You must park on the even-numbered side of the street,"Dave grumbled and went out to move their car.
Three days later the weatherman announced,"There will be 25 to 30 centimeters of snow today and you must park....."Just then the power went out and they didn't get the rest of the instructions."Well,"said Dave,"what am I going to do now?"
"Oh, Dave,"Sue replied,"just leave the car in the garage."



A married couple went camping. After a romantic night, they were sleeping when an intruder entered into their tent. It turned out that he was a psychopath who had escaped from a mental asylum.The intruder put a knife to the neck of the woman and said, "I like to know the names of my victims before I kill them, What is your name?"
"My name is Elizabeth," replied the poor woman.
The intruder said, "You remind me of my mother who was also named Elizabeth, so I can't kill you."The intruder then turned to the husband and asked,"What is your name?"
"My name's Phillip, but my friends call me Elizabeth."



THREE men were discussing their wives."My wife tells me I'm so distinguished,"said the first,"that I look like an ambassador."
"Well,"replied the second,"My wife tells me I'm so intelligent-I'm the best-read man she has ever met."
"My wife's proud of me too,"said the third," Every time a deliveryman comes to the door, she announces,'My husband's home! My husband's home!'"



ALICE and Ted went skiing, and Ted brought along a big thermos.Alice had never seen one, and asked what it was.
"It's a thermos,"replied Ted,"The guy at the store told me it's used for keeping hot things hot and cold things cold."
"Sounds great,"said Alice,"What do you have in it?"
"Three coffees and an ice-cream."



LINDA and Jill are having coffee, when Linda notices that Jill seems trouble and asks her,"Is something bugging you, You look anxious?"
"Well, my boyfriend just lost all his money and savings in the stock market,"Jill explained.
"Oh, that's to bad,"Linda sympathised,"I'm sure you're feeling sorry for him."
"Yeah, I am,"Jill said,"He'll miss me."



A couple came upon a wishing well.The husband made a wish and threw in a penny.The wife decided to make a wish too, but she leaned over too much and fell into the well, and drowned.
The husband was stunned for a while, but then smiled and said,"It really works!"



BEHIND every successful man, there is a woman.
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.



FROM his death bed, the husband called his wife and said,"One month after I die I want you to marry Mr. Drone."
"Drone! But he is your enemy!"
"Yes, I know that! I've suffered all these years so let him suffer now."


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